The thing is that this doesn’t happen to me too often so when it does it hits me very hard and it’s difficult for me to find my happy place once again. I dwell on the trouble, I spin in it for a few days and I beat it to death in order to process what has caused my funk. It is my way of finding my way out. It isn’t a pretty sight and it takes it’s toll on those closest to me as I struggle to make sense of the world. Tonight I was exhausted from this latest journey so I knew I needed to force myself to separate from it for awhile. I decided to throw some paint and create like no one was watching. My mom has always told me that you should dance that way so…
I was blessed with the happy gene. To be specific the oxytocin receptor gene (OXTR). Optimism and positivity have never been an issue for me. I know this is an area where I hit the jackpot in life. That’s what it is isn’t it? Some people have the perfect nose or a photographic memory or can take apart and put together anything mechanical or can sing like an angel. We all have our strong points and we all have our weaknesses. No one person’s strength or genes are better than another – I truly feel that it all balances for the most part. So why are we so competitive? Why do we WORK at showing people who we think we are. Why can’t we just be?
I have a scar – it may seen small and insignificant compared to horrible tragedies and personal violations that have happened to people but it has changed the course of my life. It happened in the sixth grade, in (oh gosh I wish I could remember her name) French class. I was humiliated and told I was the perfect example of how not to do something. We were given an assignment to get a magazine photo of a person and then tell the class about the photo. This is a girl, she has brown hair, she is tall etc. I went first. And failed at it miserably. Perhaps I was ill prepared. Ok – no perhaps about it. But – was it ok for the teacher to treat me the way she did. NO! And I can’t let it go. I wonder about this because if I can’t let something so benign go how do people survive real atrocities? How do you take the images out of your head and stop playing them over and over. The strength and energy it must take is staggering.
Art therapy is powerful. It can take us away from those moment we don’t ever need to relive. Art can take us away from pain it can take us away from our daily simple stresses. So – after a difficult day I decided to go into my zone and to create like no one was watching – happiness gene or not – it will take your cares away for awhile and let us simply – BE. No need to show or compete or hide or struggle in moments like these.
Until tomorrow. Oops – nope, not until Monday. I’m taking a few days off to celebrate and participate in my brother Michael’s wedding.
In The Studio today April 3, 2012 I created this image with black grease stick, wax, and watercolor!